So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
