Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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