They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
