so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
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