just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
