I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
