So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
