Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
