and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
