drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
