i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
