I puked a lego.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
