man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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