Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
