God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize