Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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