...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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