I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Someone came in the potted fern
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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