Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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