I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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