did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
