he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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