I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
