Heybabeimwearingurpanties
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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