Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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