So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
