I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
