The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Randomize