I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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