My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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