No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
