Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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