Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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