You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
