I think I won the penis lottery.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
