my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
