she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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