Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
