i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
me + whiskey = a bad person
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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