I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It's blow job season.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Randomize
