Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
