You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
