i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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