everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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