Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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