i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
