News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
