So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize