I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
