If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
