i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
