She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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