Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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