the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
