Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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