Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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