could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Randomize
